Loving Factually

I have been married twice and divorced twice. While I don't intend to marry again I am looking to find a partner for my last loving commited relationship. Third time's the charm, right? But things run in threes.  Mutually exclusive sayings. 

Regardless, this time around I am hoping to bring some wisdom and maturity to the process. After 57 years of living I would hope that I could manage a modicum of the two. I read the book Love Factually by Duana C. Welch (hereafter LF) which offers considerable insight into the mating process. In fact, its science based approach has considerable appeal to a techie-type like me.

LF stresses the importance of determining exactly what you want in a partner, what "must haves" and "like-to-haves" you desire. Of course, remaining aware of your thought processes and emotions is critical so that you can decide if the current candidate is worth continued consideration. LF places an emphasis on positive affirmation of necessary and desirable characteristics as opposed to a laundry list of deal breakers, but I know there will always be some things that are flat-out "no goes".

I started LF right about the start of the end of my latest relationship so I didn't get a chance to apply what I learned to that one. In my work, which consists of short-term consulting engagements, I perform a post-mortem and write up a project report, so I applied the same plus my budding list of requirements to an analysis ex post facto, and I got some valuable insights.

Incidentally, I have always believed the saying that insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so any process that can save me from my insanity is highly desirable.

I also find that the postmortem analysis pulls things out of my subconscious, where I have relegated or pushed them. Sometimes they got pushed there because they were undesirable or painful. Some things I didn't get at the time, and my subconscious seems to ruminate on them for later digestion.

My last relationship hit a speed bump over money. What relationship doesn't? (I bet even The Donald has had issues with Ivana, Marla and Melanie.) Jane (names have been changed to protect the innocent) and I both determined that we were somewhat old-fashioned about dating customs, with the man paying the way, etc. etc. So when I was hit unexpectedly with $25k of medical bills and needed to conserve due to a short-term cash crunch, Jane was not happy. She told me that her past relationships had been with guys that had money problems and she thought she was past that, and didn't want to deal with that. Fair enough, she was keeping track of her must-haves and wants.

What I was ignoring was my own need for a partner that was not money-centric. Now we should bring into consideration the biologic drives of men and women. Both men and women seek mates that can produce children and perpetuate the species. Men look (really look, as opposed to seek) for a woman that is attractive and has that 0.7 waist/hip ratio as markers of fertility, and women look for money, status, and behavior that are symbols of a good procreator. So resources, and the desire to share, are things that women seek to determine a good mate. Bottom line though is I want a partner that appreciates the totality of me, and wants to spend time with me, as opposed to someone that appreciates my money, and wants me for what I can do.

And I ignored that. For example, Jane had problems with her living room TV/stereo. Nice setup, but her receiver wasn't passing though HDMI to the speakers, so her TV only played through its own speakers. So, I went with her to Fry's and Best Buy and redid her system twice, for two different receivers, to get it right. I have had numerous AV setups and I like electronics and computer hardware (I'm not just a SW geek) so it was fun. But towards the end, there was some issue with the last setup, and Jane said to me "I want to take you to brunch, and then you can fix the speaker balance". The idea that she felt she needed to buy my services was so unappealing that I pushed it back into my subconscious. But it was a marker of the extent that money was THE thing in the relationship. She felt she had to buy my service.

As I said, I was hit with a $25k bill, and so I told Jane that weekend I wanted to stay in that weekend, and not go out. I got back a text message that read: "I liked the Bob I first met. I don't think I like this Bob so much." HUH? Two days later, a conversation about money and finances led to the statement that Jane had pretty much only had relationships with guys with money problems. Well, maybe. But maybe that was just a rationalization.

Jane once remarked that her ex-husband was really cheap. I wonder if she was confusing lack of resources with lack of sharing of those resources?

When I first met Jane face-to-face, it was after correspondence on Match.com, where she had listed her age at 58 (I was 56 at the time). A couple of hours in to the conversation, she told me that she was really 64, and she shaved the 8 years because otherwise no one would contact her. Another item I pushed into the subconscious to ruminate over.

I am not beating up Jane here. After 50, everyone should relax and do what they want. Everyone is an adult, is responsible to themselves, and can do what they want. I am beating up myself, for not staying true to myself. I believe that honesty and openness are very important to a lasting relationship. So why did I ignore one of my key requirements? I let my guard down. I got tired, and I got lonely. It is hard.

The bottom line is that it takes some real effort to keep your emotions in check and your intellect engaged so that you can keep looking to make sure your "laundry list" is met and that you don't sail by the deal breakers. My philosophy is that every relationship has problems and frequently. The degree of commitment and the desire to work on the relationship is what determines if the relationship will last. A strong friendship, common goals, communication, all those good things are prerequisites to forming a relationship in which there is commitment and desire to maintain the relationship.

Well, time to head out on another date! Kona Grill, no less. ;-)